In 2011, Darin Shebesta faced two heavy blows. First, his father died. Then he got divorced.
A certified financial planner in Scottsdale, Ariz., Shebesta recalls how that double dose of difficulty changed him — for the better. Persevering through painful circumstances strengthened his resilience and propelled his career.
Shebesta, now 34, could prepare for his dad’s passing. His father, suffering from brain cancer, fell and broke his clavicle and that sped his decline. “He couldn’t take care of himself after that,” Shebesta said. “I saw him several times a week, and that time allowed me to say anything to him. So there was nothing left unsaid.”
But the second blow — the end of his two-year marriage — took him by surprise. His wife demanded a divorce out of the blue, six months after his father’s death. “I was shocked,” he said. “We’d been together for six years. I never envisioned my life without her. I was blindsided.”
Shaken by such trying circumstances, Shebesta reassessed his life. At the time, the then 27-year-old was working for a wealth management firm. “[Those two experiences] freed me up to think I should go for it and write my own ticket,” he said. “They were the catalyst. So on January 1, 2012, I launched my own practice.”
Shebesta reflects on how tragedy has since reshaped him. For starters, he extracted lessons from the divorce and asked himself, “If I get married again, what will I do to make it work?”
“I was a shy kid who didn’t speak my mind,” he said. “And in my marriage, I didn’t express an opinion. Now I’ve built a voice. I have a say. I’ll take a stand.” (His divorce was amicable. In fact, Shebesta is marrying again in March, and he reports that his former wife likes his fiancée.)
In terms of his father’s passing, Shebesta’s big takeaway involved his mother. For years, he had harbored some grievances towards her. “Now I cherish my relationship with my mom,” he said. “I don’t take it for granted. And that relationship has taken a quantum leap. We’re closer than ever.”
This self-awareness informs his work as an adviser. From managing his father’s estate to handling divorce proceedings without rancor, Shebesta came away with practical insight that has worked to his professional advantage. He also has greater empathy for clients, especially those going through personal challenges.
He also developed a new attitude. “I used to label things ‘fair’ or ‘unfair’ and look at my life through that filter,” Shebesta said. “Now I realize you become subjective and judgmental when you assess everything in those terms. It’s more fulfilling to just live a life of love and joy.”
In his work, Shebesta has learned to listen more acutely. Beyond hearing a client’s words, he’s attuned to what they don’t say. In these “iceberg conversations,” he says he’s able to uncover what’s truly important to them. For example, when a client in his 60s declared, “I don’t want to leave any money to my child,” Shebesta sought to expose what was below the surface. “I want to know more about that,” he replied. “Go on.”
As a result, clients are more apt to open up to him. Because he does not judge what he hears, they feel safe sharing innermost feelings and thoughts. “It’s not about good or bad,” Shebesta said. “It’s about what works and what doesn’t.”
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